Three years ago the world lost an incredible light. Stuart Quan passed away on January 8th, 2006. It was a Sunday, and my cell phone rang that night around 8:00. Caller ID said it was Sensei Evan, so I answered it with a hearty hello and a joke about him being a poor college student. His tone quickly told me this wasn't a happy phone call. He said I should sit down.
Stuart's father, Ducky, was older and had been struggling with heart problems for years. I thought he must have had a heart attack and passed away. But then Evan started his story with "Sensei Stuart was snowboarding with Blake and Shannon today..." and I began to numb. It started in my mind and spread down through my chest into my arms and legs.
"... his heart stopped and they tried to resuscitate him..."
They tried to resuscitate him?
"Brian... he's dead."
It is remarkable how the human mind works. In an instant my thoughts flashed back to one of my first white belt classes with Sensei Stuart. He was teaching us how to do a jump front kick. Then, I was facing him at my blue belt test and we were trading punches to the chest. Then, I thought about Debi and the kids who would never see their Stuart again. I thought about my own students and the fact that they would never meet him, and all of the Bushido Kai black belts from that day forward would take their tests without Stuart there to guide them. Many students who had trained under Stuart would have to go on without him now, and there would be people who would take the journey from white to black having never met this great martial artist, great man, and great friend.
At that moment when Evan told me Stuart was gone, I thought many things, but I felt nothing. I could feel nothing. I didn't even feel shock, or pain, or grief, not yet. It was like the feeling of having something on your mind, then forgetting it completely and wondering where the thought could possibly have gone. It was right there a second ago, how could it be gone. Empty, lacking, missing something.
The next day I booked a flight to Fresno. We had classes at the dojo that night, and up to that point I hadn't felt much different from the night before. I was in shock, but was able to teach class without completely losing it. And after class I let everyone know I had an announcement. Any of you old timers will remember this vividly. I began to announce that I would need to cancel classes at the end of the week because I would be going to Fresno. I told them that Stuart, my sensei, had suddenly, and at that point inexplicably, passed away. As the words formed and the images entered my mind here at my dojo and in front of my students, the numbness went away and the wall of water that had been building finally released. I feel bad for all of you who were there and were initially wondering 'Sensei was just teaching class and is now openly crying... what is going on?' I couldn't hold back the tears and when i cry I can't really speak, so I sputtered a few things about Stuart, and me leaving for California, and then let Kristina fill in the details.
There aren't enough blogs on the internet to express my feelings for Sensei Stuart, and my remorse of the fact that most of you will never get the chance. But his voice lives on through our training and our committment to the warrior's way. His light shines through all of you now, and will continue to change lives for many years to come. For this reason, and to honor my Sensei, and my friend, this week in January will always be set aside as a special training time. And we will honor him by sweating together with one of the toughest workouts we will ever do.
STUART
1000 Kicks
100 Push-ups
10 Katas
1 Horse Stance for as long as you can hold it
Do any kicks you want, but make sure you do every kick you know at some point. You can perform kata in any order, but again try to do all of the katas you know (it's ok if you know more than 10... just pick your favorites)
Stuart would have loved to do this workout along with us today. May our kicks and punches bring honor to his life and to everything he has given us.
Oss!
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3 comments:
I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.
Deborah
Term Life Insurance
Sensei Brian,While reading your blog about sensei, just reminded me of how awful everything was. You remembered all the details about how sensei evan called you. To be honest i don't remember what happened when i first heard the news. I was in complete shock and so terribly sad that i would never see him again or hear his voice on the floor giving commands. Just reading your blog helped me remember again. Everytime i take a moment to think about him, I can see my first classes, and everytime I see a different test, and everytime i come to tears. We all miss him so much and he would always of wanted us to succeed in whatever conquering any "mountain" that we wanted to overcome in life.
Oss,
Jonathan
It's obviously been almost four months now since you posted this blog - and it's taken me this long to comment as this has been the first time I read it without crying.
I remember the day vividly, but for very different reasons. Kristina came to my office unexpectedly and told me what happened. Having never met Stuart, I didn't know how to feel, except extreme sorrow for you both and Stuart's family. I had been a student just a few months but already could feel the depth of your relationship with Stuart.
To this day, I don't know how you found the strength to teach classes that day. I remember walking back to the changing rooms at the old dojo and seeing the tears start to roll out of your eyes and your body just cave in with grief.
Everything changed. The patches we wore proudly on our gi's needed to be changed, you hadn't even gotten through most of our school's cirriculum with Stuart...a new test began for you. I'm sure one way more momentous than even going to the mountain, and even there you had Stuart with you.
It's an honor learning from you in oh so many ways - Sensei, friend, brother - Stuart would be very proud. Thank you for creating this workout in his honor. I'll proudly wear my Stuart Quan gi to each annual workout as long as it holds together.
Oss!
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